If I could write a letter to me...

August 17, 2011.

Dear Self,

How are you today? No... really be honest! I know you tend to say fine and smile and even when it's just ok... you accept that as good. It's ok to not be ok... and it's even ok to want something more than ok.

I hope that whenever you come to read this letter in the weeks, months, or years that have passed, you have grown. Look back as you read and give yourself a pat on the back for the steps you've taken down this path of life God has blessed you with. And don't you dare look back and think you haven't come that far... even baby steps are worthy of thanks and praise. I know you have a tendency to feel like you're at a standstill and everyone else is passing you by, but please do not be discouraged. Time may not be on your side... but God is.

You may stumble and fall flat on your face a lot... trust me, I know... but there is beauty in the breakdown and the failures that you face. Humility looks good on everyone! Stop trying to run when you just need to walk. It's ok to take a break. Bask in the glory of what God has blessed you with. Stop being jealous of what others have that you may long for. All of that is fleeting. You have MORE than enough.

Love yourself! Let me repeat that... LOVE YOURSELF! You are beautifully made and God has gifted you with some major talents. Don't feel inadequate. If you keep thinking you have to meet an ideal... STOP!!!! It's never going to happen. Stop limiting yourself by expectations or plans. Just do your own thing and make sure you consult the man upstairs because His will is perfect and He longs to give you the desires of your heart. No, you will never be blonde, tall, or have perfectly curly hair and blue eyes... but out of the box design is so much better! And that's what you are. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, and my goodness... He thinks you're breath-taking because he designed you... every scar, every mark, every flaw... everything that makes you who you are. Typical has never been your style so appreciate it and continue to march to the beat of your own drum... because after all, it's a pretty sick beat!

Don't be scared to let some walls break down. And stop saying things are overrated. You limit yourself... and my dear, you can't let these things stand in the way. Allow yourself to love and be loved. But wear your heart where God put it. Be mindful of who gets to see it. And when things get rough or you are afraid of getting hurt... don't run. Be brave. Be bold. Be scrappy if need be! There's a lot to learn and if you always run and make people pay for others' past mistakes, you'll miss out on some good things. Even bad things can turn into good things. You know this and you've been there before. So I really hope you're taking chances but you're constantly asking God for wisdom as you attempt to be decisive.

I hope you have enjoyed your time being young, single, and free. Have you made the most of it? Do the things you always wanted to do! Be crazy... but responsible crazy! Serve others... love on them... be on your knees in prayer for them! Make amends with people that you need to forgive or ask forgiveness from. I pray that you have constantly told your family how much you love them. Show them that love... even when it's hard... even when you get caught up in your own life... they have and will always be your home. How did God use this time of your life? Are you in constant pursuit of becoming a woman of God? Do not neglect any of these things! This is YOUR TIME! I hope you have used it wisely.

And please... understand your worth. Do not settle and do not compromise. I know that you have a desire to fall in love one day, but until that day comes, be patient. Be the woman that deserves the man you dream of. Keep your standards in tact and don't feel like you need to compete with other girls or even more so with the world's standards. I hope you have been on your knees for this mystery man. Ask God to keep him strong and to bless his life. Pray that he is treating women right and that they in return show him respect. Even though you may not know him, love him. Prepare your heart for him and if that means being alone and having some nights where you cry and wonder if God's plan may lead to you being an old maid... accept it! It's ok, God time is good and He will dry your tears. And if His plan doesn't look like what you pictured, it will be ok. He will always be enough and He isn't punishing you or testing you, He is letting his most perfect plan unfold and again, He wants to give you the desires of your heart. But just remember those desires can and will change the more you grow in His love. Trust Him. Know Him. Love Him.

Stop wishing for the past or longing for the future. You can't live in either. Live right now! Make the most of every single day! I hope when you talk to God at night, He smiles and laughs at the conversations y'all have. Remember, God has a great sense of humor. Make him laugh with how much you love life!

Always and Forever,

KP

PS... Take some time for yourself too. It's ok to say no. Bake, create, be artsy fartsy... You need it! And always find time to cuddle with Buddy. His loyalty is like no other. But I didn't even need to remind you of that. And maybe you should go run every now and then... your heart and body will appreciate it!

Character... it's what defines you

Who am I? What do I want people to perceive me as? Do they see the real me? Do I see the real me? Is my character reflected in my actions when I'm not paying attention?

I'm really all over the place. The person that people see depends on the situation I am in. I'm shy, I'm talkative, I'm insecure, I'm confidant, I'm a wallflower, I'm the life of the party... the list could go on and on. So really... am I even being true to myself.

All I know is this... I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, I say things I shouldn't, I laugh too loud, I hold back too much, I cry, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I keep people at a distance, and I'm just trying to figure this all out. But even as crazy and awkward as I can be, I will always put on love. Even in anger, I put on love. Even when I'm sad, I put on love. That is my true character. I'm not a rude person, and in every situation, I do the best I can to always let my heart lead.

And if people can see that no matter what is happening around me, I care, then that is enough.

Expectations and Anticipation

Expect the unexpected. That saying holds a lot of irony. It seems natural to know that things will happen in life that you do not plan on. However, if you're expecting something to happen, even though you do not know what it is, that thing is no longer unexpected. Right? Or perhaps I am wrong and just talking in circles. Either way, expectations build anticipation, hope, fear, and perhaps lead to disappointment.

Expectations are hard to meet. So why set them high?

The dreamer in my has all these ideas of what I hope my life to look life. Maybe not a fairy tale, but perhaps a quirky independent movie.

The realist in me says, "Set the bar low, then be pleasantly surprised."

I probably should find a middle ground. And perhaps that's what I've been doing lately. I'm a dreamer with the notion of what is feasible and what is out of my reach. My constant prayer has been for God to open the right doors and lock tight the ones that are wrong. This way I avoid pain, rejection, heartache, and disappointment. But my friend Amanda and I were talking one night about praying for peace and she helped me see that that is a better prayer.

I'm thankful for all my heartbreaks, scars, and lost dreams. They remind me of how faithful God truly is. Even when I fail, His love remains ever constant. I make a lot of mistakes and I fall on my face quite a bit, but I'm lucky enough to have found people who do not expect me to be some shiny, spotless person who has all my ducks in a row just because I'm a Christian. The church is for broken people and that's why I can find refuge and comfort there. No judgment, no cynicism, no legalistic ideas, but a home where expectations no longer have to be met.

The more I let go of my own expectations, the more I realize God's plans are so much greater than my dreams. So why not enjoy the unexpected? If I keep waiting for this crazy ideal life, I will never get there. Instead, I will find peace in knowing my life has purpose no matter what road I take.

Trading Jesus

So this wonderful opportunity was brought before me to work on some graphics for Good Friday at church. I love serving on the Visual Arts Team at Bent Tree because everyone is so giving with their talents. And this just so happens to be the first time I'm doing something graphics related, so that's really exciting. I've never felt called to ministry before because the thought of it is slightly intimidating, but this group has opened my eyes and my heart to something greater. I'm not sure what that is yet, but hopefully with time God will reveal what exactly He intends for me.

Anyways, it was about 11:00 last night when I actually had time to get some ideas going. I've thought about it all weekend, but my rough sketches were in need of help. So I sat down with my Bible and sketch pad and just reflected on Judas' betrayal. Here's a verse that caught my attention:

Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I hand him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty silver coins. - Matthew 26:14-15

Here's a rough sample of the idea I have... we'll see how it will evolve over the next few days. (images are just for ideas... notice the istock logo)

I think this is more than just a great way to use some of my skills to serve my community, but God is using it to tug at my heart.

I told a friend last week I was feeling stagnant in every aspect of my life. It's as if everyone and everything around me is moving and changing so quickly, yet I'm at a complete standstill. I've asked God to just do something with me, but I couldn't feel it or Him. Was I doing something wrong or not paying attention? I'm horrible at waiting on God. But I'm learning how to have a patient and content heart. God's plans are bigger than my dreams.

And hopefully whatever comes out of these graphics will be used for His glory as Bent Tree takes a different approach to the days leading up to the Resurrection. I slightly feel inadequate in my skills, my walk, my life... to be getting to do this because it truly is an honor to be asked to help tell the greatest love story ever written to my community of believers. I hope I do it justice. Forgive me for the roughness (I'm still sorting out ideas)... my designs are usually for the corporate world and then I design invitations, so this is kind of new.

Oh... if you'd like to give me insight on what you believe to be some of the biggest trades we make when it comes to our relationship with Christ, I would love to hear. It's definitely prompting some good dialogue.

Makeover Calling...

I read way too many blogs... yet do not keep my blog update or in style. It's quite pathetic, I know! This is perhaps the way some areas in my life are too. I could use a major makeover when it comes to my life and priorities. Since lists keep me organized, I shall make one... and hopefully stick to it!

1. Keep up with my quiet time. I'm involved in a few different groups at my church, which have definitely helped me make my relationship with God more than just a relationship. But still... I struggle with this area so much! Why is it that I can find time to watch my favorite show or sit on facebook, but I can't quiet down my heart and get into His word every day?

2. MY ART!!!! I'm a designer and I adore everything about art. I have unpainted canvases, unfinished sketches, designs that need help... but I ignore all of this. I will design all day at work and then do things for other people, but when it comes to my personal work... it takes a huge back burner.

3. My shelf full of unread books. I love bookstores... I love books! But I have this tendency to buy books and never get around to reading them... or even worse I start, but do not finish them.

4. Blogging... I like to blog and I've been meaning to blog and do it the right way. BUT I don't like this template and my thoughts are unorganized, so I have about 30 unpublished posts. I need to design my own blog and then get my thoughts in order so I can truly blog.

5. Baking. I like to bake. I bake at least once a week because I run out of things to eat at my house. However, I have this inner diva baker in me that just wants to go insane and bake a huge wedding cake masterpiece... but that would never happen. However, I could settle for some legit cupcakes. I have about about 5 recipes I bake over and over again. I need to broaden my horizons.

Five small areas I want to focus on... I don't want to get too carried away. I have plenty of others, but I don't want to take on too much at once.

Seriously... seriously

Ok, so I have all these saved drafts of blog entries that I have never posted mainly because they're really jumbled and need to be edited because the disorganization of the material is almost embarrassing for me to even claim being a Mass Com major. So sad... where are your proofreaders and editors when you need them? 

Well... I actually started blogging because I found it therapeutic and part of me actually misses being a college student and writing papers. (I'm a nerd... I know.) I'm no English major, so I'm not quite as eloquent or witty as one should probably be when blogging. The thing is, I read 3 different blogs daily and they inspire me. I used to Xanga back in the day and before that, I was very much a "Dear Diary" girl, so writing has always been fun to me. 

I don't live the most interesting life, but I have a whole lot of thoughts and questions inside of me. I kinda wanna take this blogging thing more seriously. I want people to actually read it. I'm pretty sure no one has actually read my blog, but I might as well try. I've always been better at wearing my heart on my sleeve via writing. So here is my voice... it may be a small one, but here are the deepest, darkest, most random thoughts I dare not speak out loud. This will be the last unplanned, disorganized entry. 

A few things you should know about me...

1. I'm Asian... but I don't speak Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Mandarin, or any other Asian dialect.

2. I was first introduced to Van Gogh in 2nd grade in Mrs. Riske's class... then and there I drew my first replica and I've been hooked ever since.

3. If I could, I would eat jalapenos on anything and everything.

4. I sing and dance in front of the mirror.

5. I love the Lord of the Rings trilogy... my roommates used to make fun of me and called me a dork... I stopped proclaiming my love after that because college kids need to be cool... but I'm an adult now and I don't care if people judge me.

6. If I could be a starving artist in Europe... I so would, but I have the next 10 years to pay back my student loans.

7. I had head gear when I was younger... and I had to wear it to school. That was enough to make a girl insecure for the rest of her life... but I was too naive to notice the jokes being told about me.

8. I worked my butt off for 4 years to graduate in the top 10% of my sr. class... and I walked away from UT to go to OBU. Yeah... I still haven't quite figured out what I was on when I made that decision.

9. My most embarrassing moment involves a song by the Plain White T's.

10. My dog Buddy is the love of my life. I'm afraid I will have to go to counseling after he dies.

11. I'm terrified of fish. I can look at them, but for me to get in the water with them would give me an anxiety attack.

12. I hate feet and I do not like touching them. I've never had a pedicure, nor will I ever get one.

13. Tanning beds scare me because I'm somewhat claustrophobic, so I will never even try.

14. My drivers license says I'm 5'1... I'm only 5 ft. tall, but the lady at the DPS felt sorry for me so she gave me an inch... she told me this.

15. When I went to Instanbul, I was proposed to. Maybe I should have accepted his offer?