Expectations and Anticipation

Expect the unexpected. That saying holds a lot of irony. It seems natural to know that things will happen in life that you do not plan on. However, if you're expecting something to happen, even though you do not know what it is, that thing is no longer unexpected. Right? Or perhaps I am wrong and just talking in circles. Either way, expectations build anticipation, hope, fear, and perhaps lead to disappointment.

Expectations are hard to meet. So why set them high?

The dreamer in my has all these ideas of what I hope my life to look life. Maybe not a fairy tale, but perhaps a quirky independent movie.

The realist in me says, "Set the bar low, then be pleasantly surprised."

I probably should find a middle ground. And perhaps that's what I've been doing lately. I'm a dreamer with the notion of what is feasible and what is out of my reach. My constant prayer has been for God to open the right doors and lock tight the ones that are wrong. This way I avoid pain, rejection, heartache, and disappointment. But my friend Amanda and I were talking one night about praying for peace and she helped me see that that is a better prayer.

I'm thankful for all my heartbreaks, scars, and lost dreams. They remind me of how faithful God truly is. Even when I fail, His love remains ever constant. I make a lot of mistakes and I fall on my face quite a bit, but I'm lucky enough to have found people who do not expect me to be some shiny, spotless person who has all my ducks in a row just because I'm a Christian. The church is for broken people and that's why I can find refuge and comfort there. No judgment, no cynicism, no legalistic ideas, but a home where expectations no longer have to be met.

The more I let go of my own expectations, the more I realize God's plans are so much greater than my dreams. So why not enjoy the unexpected? If I keep waiting for this crazy ideal life, I will never get there. Instead, I will find peace in knowing my life has purpose no matter what road I take.

Trading Jesus

So this wonderful opportunity was brought before me to work on some graphics for Good Friday at church. I love serving on the Visual Arts Team at Bent Tree because everyone is so giving with their talents. And this just so happens to be the first time I'm doing something graphics related, so that's really exciting. I've never felt called to ministry before because the thought of it is slightly intimidating, but this group has opened my eyes and my heart to something greater. I'm not sure what that is yet, but hopefully with time God will reveal what exactly He intends for me.

Anyways, it was about 11:00 last night when I actually had time to get some ideas going. I've thought about it all weekend, but my rough sketches were in need of help. So I sat down with my Bible and sketch pad and just reflected on Judas' betrayal. Here's a verse that caught my attention:

Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I hand him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty silver coins. - Matthew 26:14-15

Here's a rough sample of the idea I have... we'll see how it will evolve over the next few days. (images are just for ideas... notice the istock logo)

I think this is more than just a great way to use some of my skills to serve my community, but God is using it to tug at my heart.

I told a friend last week I was feeling stagnant in every aspect of my life. It's as if everyone and everything around me is moving and changing so quickly, yet I'm at a complete standstill. I've asked God to just do something with me, but I couldn't feel it or Him. Was I doing something wrong or not paying attention? I'm horrible at waiting on God. But I'm learning how to have a patient and content heart. God's plans are bigger than my dreams.

And hopefully whatever comes out of these graphics will be used for His glory as Bent Tree takes a different approach to the days leading up to the Resurrection. I slightly feel inadequate in my skills, my walk, my life... to be getting to do this because it truly is an honor to be asked to help tell the greatest love story ever written to my community of believers. I hope I do it justice. Forgive me for the roughness (I'm still sorting out ideas)... my designs are usually for the corporate world and then I design invitations, so this is kind of new.

Oh... if you'd like to give me insight on what you believe to be some of the biggest trades we make when it comes to our relationship with Christ, I would love to hear. It's definitely prompting some good dialogue.

Makeover Calling...

I read way too many blogs... yet do not keep my blog update or in style. It's quite pathetic, I know! This is perhaps the way some areas in my life are too. I could use a major makeover when it comes to my life and priorities. Since lists keep me organized, I shall make one... and hopefully stick to it!

1. Keep up with my quiet time. I'm involved in a few different groups at my church, which have definitely helped me make my relationship with God more than just a relationship. But still... I struggle with this area so much! Why is it that I can find time to watch my favorite show or sit on facebook, but I can't quiet down my heart and get into His word every day?

2. MY ART!!!! I'm a designer and I adore everything about art. I have unpainted canvases, unfinished sketches, designs that need help... but I ignore all of this. I will design all day at work and then do things for other people, but when it comes to my personal work... it takes a huge back burner.

3. My shelf full of unread books. I love bookstores... I love books! But I have this tendency to buy books and never get around to reading them... or even worse I start, but do not finish them.

4. Blogging... I like to blog and I've been meaning to blog and do it the right way. BUT I don't like this template and my thoughts are unorganized, so I have about 30 unpublished posts. I need to design my own blog and then get my thoughts in order so I can truly blog.

5. Baking. I like to bake. I bake at least once a week because I run out of things to eat at my house. However, I have this inner diva baker in me that just wants to go insane and bake a huge wedding cake masterpiece... but that would never happen. However, I could settle for some legit cupcakes. I have about about 5 recipes I bake over and over again. I need to broaden my horizons.

Five small areas I want to focus on... I don't want to get too carried away. I have plenty of others, but I don't want to take on too much at once.

Seriously... seriously

Ok, so I have all these saved drafts of blog entries that I have never posted mainly because they're really jumbled and need to be edited because the disorganization of the material is almost embarrassing for me to even claim being a Mass Com major. So sad... where are your proofreaders and editors when you need them? 

Well... I actually started blogging because I found it therapeutic and part of me actually misses being a college student and writing papers. (I'm a nerd... I know.) I'm no English major, so I'm not quite as eloquent or witty as one should probably be when blogging. The thing is, I read 3 different blogs daily and they inspire me. I used to Xanga back in the day and before that, I was very much a "Dear Diary" girl, so writing has always been fun to me. 

I don't live the most interesting life, but I have a whole lot of thoughts and questions inside of me. I kinda wanna take this blogging thing more seriously. I want people to actually read it. I'm pretty sure no one has actually read my blog, but I might as well try. I've always been better at wearing my heart on my sleeve via writing. So here is my voice... it may be a small one, but here are the deepest, darkest, most random thoughts I dare not speak out loud. This will be the last unplanned, disorganized entry. 

A few things you should know about me...

1. I'm Asian... but I don't speak Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Mandarin, or any other Asian dialect.

2. I was first introduced to Van Gogh in 2nd grade in Mrs. Riske's class... then and there I drew my first replica and I've been hooked ever since.

3. If I could, I would eat jalapenos on anything and everything.

4. I sing and dance in front of the mirror.

5. I love the Lord of the Rings trilogy... my roommates used to make fun of me and called me a dork... I stopped proclaiming my love after that because college kids need to be cool... but I'm an adult now and I don't care if people judge me.

6. If I could be a starving artist in Europe... I so would, but I have the next 10 years to pay back my student loans.

7. I had head gear when I was younger... and I had to wear it to school. That was enough to make a girl insecure for the rest of her life... but I was too naive to notice the jokes being told about me.

8. I worked my butt off for 4 years to graduate in the top 10% of my sr. class... and I walked away from UT to go to OBU. Yeah... I still haven't quite figured out what I was on when I made that decision.

9. My most embarrassing moment involves a song by the Plain White T's.

10. My dog Buddy is the love of my life. I'm afraid I will have to go to counseling after he dies.

11. I'm terrified of fish. I can look at them, but for me to get in the water with them would give me an anxiety attack.

12. I hate feet and I do not like touching them. I've never had a pedicure, nor will I ever get one.

13. Tanning beds scare me because I'm somewhat claustrophobic, so I will never even try.

14. My drivers license says I'm 5'1... I'm only 5 ft. tall, but the lady at the DPS felt sorry for me so she gave me an inch... she told me this.

15. When I went to Instanbul, I was proposed to. Maybe I should have accepted his offer?

Mother knows best...

So in honor of Mother's Day yesterday, I feel like I should pay homage and blog about moms. I am definitely not a mother, nor do I want to become one anytime soon... being responsible for myself is enough of a burden as is. But yes, one day, maybe 10 years down the road, I hope that God allows me to be a mother. At Passion sophomore year, I admitted that was my biggest fear... God telling me I could never be a mom. Lame fear right? I beg to differ... there is nothing like a mother's love for a child. It goes beyond deep and unconditional, it's a beautiful bond. I want to experience that. 

Well, my mom and I haven't been on common ground about my adultness. I'm at an age where I want to be independent and do my own thang... but it's hard sometimes when you're still trying to find your footing. My mom will always see me as her baby... this is the one problem about being the youngest out of 4... now matter how old I get, I will always be baby Kimmy. I want to fight her on this. We argue, we cry, we both want to be right... so where do you draw the line? Who wins and who loses? 

I could easily look my mom in the eye and say, "I'm an adult and there's nothing you can do about that! I don't care what you think, I'm going to do whatever I want. Stop trying to interfere!" Well... to an extent that is right, but in all honesty, that's not a very adult comment. It sounds more like a selfish teenager comment I made back in the day.  So yeah... I don't need to channel my inner 16 year old... that was just a bad time all around for me. 

Sometimes you have to prove to your parents, especially to an overprotective mother, that you are in fact an adult. And this is done not by arguing or manipulation, but by understanding where your mother is coming from and then helping her understand where you're coming from. There is a reason why moms know best... because usually they do. They have a valid point, so let them make it, and then be open to it. And sometimes you have to make your own mistakes to learn and grow, but least hear her out. When you give respect, you get respect in return. No one wants to have an adult conversation with someone who won't listen and automatically gets defensive. And then there comes a day when your mom doesn't even have to tell you what's right, she has enough confidence in you and can see your heart... this is when she knows she raised you right and prepared you for a life full of challenges. All I can say is I learned a whole lot this year!!!! It's almost ridiculous! Even in the past 72 hours... I think I've really wised up and matured. I just needed a forceful push!

I may not have my mother's DNA... I will never look like her on the outside, but I would love for my heart to look like hers. My mother is the most selfless woman I know. She has sacrificed so much for my family... and especially for me. She never had to love me. I was not hers by birth. She chose to love me. So as an adult, I'm starting to understand my mom on a deeper level. We may not always agree and we may butt heads, but I can appreciate her love and her care. Some people don't have moms that worry and want to protect their kids. I will make my mistakes, and she will have to let me make them. But I will let her give advice and I will listen with and open ear and open heart. Again, I originally had a mom who didn't want me, so how dare I ever take for granted the great love of my true mom who never once was obligated to love me. I will never outgrow my mom's love and I will never outgrow needing her there to comfort me when I feel like my world is falling apart. Nothing is better than hearing a parent tell you how much you're worth and how great of a plan God has for your life. So thank you to my mom for raising me right... and thank you to all the other wonderful women who have played a role in teaching me what it means to be a strong, beautiful woman! I'm a work in progress, but I will get there. 

A box of crayons...

"If God has something specific for you, you’ll know, I promise. But if He is setting a box of crayons down in front of you (a box of crayons called life) then by all means draw." - Donald Miller

Ok, my last entry was based on another Donald Miller quote. He's kinda my inspiration lately. I'm reading his book A Million Miles In A Thousand Years. It's not so much a book about finding yourself, but more about re-evaluating your life and making it one worth living. It's a great book and it definitely has opened my eyes. 

This quote is actually from his blog... so yeah, I'm blogging about a blog. 

This just reiterates my idea that I don't think God has every step of my life planned out for me. This analogy of God handing you a box of crayons and some paper is beautiful! I've always been the kid who colored... anything and everything. In fact I got in a lot of trouble with a box of crayons once, but that was the beginning of me growing up to be artsy fartsy. Hand me a box of crayons and it's inevitable that I will draw. I can't help myself. 

So why is it that when God hands me a box of crayons and tells me to draw out of my life, I can't? When has a blank piece of paper every intimidated me? NEVER... until now. God has given me the tools to make this great picture called the life of Kimberley Renee Patton and I get scared. Afraid to make a mistake that I can't erase (crayon is hard to erase). In art I've always been told not to be scared to make a bad mark... don't see it as an error, but use it. 

God isn't going to draw the picture for me while I stare dumbfounded. This not a dot-to-dot type of drawing or paint by numbers. Again, you must use what God has given you and get to work. God entrusts us to make something of ourselves. He gives us potential, not a mapped out plan of every single second of every day. Like Miller said, "I don't think God is a control freak."