Seriously... seriously

Ok, so I have all these saved drafts of blog entries that I have never posted mainly because they're really jumbled and need to be edited because the disorganization of the material is almost embarrassing for me to even claim being a Mass Com major. So sad... where are your proofreaders and editors when you need them? 

Well... I actually started blogging because I found it therapeutic and part of me actually misses being a college student and writing papers. (I'm a nerd... I know.) I'm no English major, so I'm not quite as eloquent or witty as one should probably be when blogging. The thing is, I read 3 different blogs daily and they inspire me. I used to Xanga back in the day and before that, I was very much a "Dear Diary" girl, so writing has always been fun to me. 

I don't live the most interesting life, but I have a whole lot of thoughts and questions inside of me. I kinda wanna take this blogging thing more seriously. I want people to actually read it. I'm pretty sure no one has actually read my blog, but I might as well try. I've always been better at wearing my heart on my sleeve via writing. So here is my voice... it may be a small one, but here are the deepest, darkest, most random thoughts I dare not speak out loud. This will be the last unplanned, disorganized entry. 

A few things you should know about me...

1. I'm Asian... but I don't speak Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Mandarin, or any other Asian dialect.

2. I was first introduced to Van Gogh in 2nd grade in Mrs. Riske's class... then and there I drew my first replica and I've been hooked ever since.

3. If I could, I would eat jalapenos on anything and everything.

4. I sing and dance in front of the mirror.

5. I love the Lord of the Rings trilogy... my roommates used to make fun of me and called me a dork... I stopped proclaiming my love after that because college kids need to be cool... but I'm an adult now and I don't care if people judge me.

6. If I could be a starving artist in Europe... I so would, but I have the next 10 years to pay back my student loans.

7. I had head gear when I was younger... and I had to wear it to school. That was enough to make a girl insecure for the rest of her life... but I was too naive to notice the jokes being told about me.

8. I worked my butt off for 4 years to graduate in the top 10% of my sr. class... and I walked away from UT to go to OBU. Yeah... I still haven't quite figured out what I was on when I made that decision.

9. My most embarrassing moment involves a song by the Plain White T's.

10. My dog Buddy is the love of my life. I'm afraid I will have to go to counseling after he dies.

11. I'm terrified of fish. I can look at them, but for me to get in the water with them would give me an anxiety attack.

12. I hate feet and I do not like touching them. I've never had a pedicure, nor will I ever get one.

13. Tanning beds scare me because I'm somewhat claustrophobic, so I will never even try.

14. My drivers license says I'm 5'1... I'm only 5 ft. tall, but the lady at the DPS felt sorry for me so she gave me an inch... she told me this.

15. When I went to Instanbul, I was proposed to. Maybe I should have accepted his offer?

Mother knows best...

So in honor of Mother's Day yesterday, I feel like I should pay homage and blog about moms. I am definitely not a mother, nor do I want to become one anytime soon... being responsible for myself is enough of a burden as is. But yes, one day, maybe 10 years down the road, I hope that God allows me to be a mother. At Passion sophomore year, I admitted that was my biggest fear... God telling me I could never be a mom. Lame fear right? I beg to differ... there is nothing like a mother's love for a child. It goes beyond deep and unconditional, it's a beautiful bond. I want to experience that. 

Well, my mom and I haven't been on common ground about my adultness. I'm at an age where I want to be independent and do my own thang... but it's hard sometimes when you're still trying to find your footing. My mom will always see me as her baby... this is the one problem about being the youngest out of 4... now matter how old I get, I will always be baby Kimmy. I want to fight her on this. We argue, we cry, we both want to be right... so where do you draw the line? Who wins and who loses? 

I could easily look my mom in the eye and say, "I'm an adult and there's nothing you can do about that! I don't care what you think, I'm going to do whatever I want. Stop trying to interfere!" Well... to an extent that is right, but in all honesty, that's not a very adult comment. It sounds more like a selfish teenager comment I made back in the day.  So yeah... I don't need to channel my inner 16 year old... that was just a bad time all around for me. 

Sometimes you have to prove to your parents, especially to an overprotective mother, that you are in fact an adult. And this is done not by arguing or manipulation, but by understanding where your mother is coming from and then helping her understand where you're coming from. There is a reason why moms know best... because usually they do. They have a valid point, so let them make it, and then be open to it. And sometimes you have to make your own mistakes to learn and grow, but least hear her out. When you give respect, you get respect in return. No one wants to have an adult conversation with someone who won't listen and automatically gets defensive. And then there comes a day when your mom doesn't even have to tell you what's right, she has enough confidence in you and can see your heart... this is when she knows she raised you right and prepared you for a life full of challenges. All I can say is I learned a whole lot this year!!!! It's almost ridiculous! Even in the past 72 hours... I think I've really wised up and matured. I just needed a forceful push!

I may not have my mother's DNA... I will never look like her on the outside, but I would love for my heart to look like hers. My mother is the most selfless woman I know. She has sacrificed so much for my family... and especially for me. She never had to love me. I was not hers by birth. She chose to love me. So as an adult, I'm starting to understand my mom on a deeper level. We may not always agree and we may butt heads, but I can appreciate her love and her care. Some people don't have moms that worry and want to protect their kids. I will make my mistakes, and she will have to let me make them. But I will let her give advice and I will listen with and open ear and open heart. Again, I originally had a mom who didn't want me, so how dare I ever take for granted the great love of my true mom who never once was obligated to love me. I will never outgrow my mom's love and I will never outgrow needing her there to comfort me when I feel like my world is falling apart. Nothing is better than hearing a parent tell you how much you're worth and how great of a plan God has for your life. So thank you to my mom for raising me right... and thank you to all the other wonderful women who have played a role in teaching me what it means to be a strong, beautiful woman! I'm a work in progress, but I will get there. 

A box of crayons...

"If God has something specific for you, you’ll know, I promise. But if He is setting a box of crayons down in front of you (a box of crayons called life) then by all means draw." - Donald Miller

Ok, my last entry was based on another Donald Miller quote. He's kinda my inspiration lately. I'm reading his book A Million Miles In A Thousand Years. It's not so much a book about finding yourself, but more about re-evaluating your life and making it one worth living. It's a great book and it definitely has opened my eyes. 

This quote is actually from his blog... so yeah, I'm blogging about a blog. 

This just reiterates my idea that I don't think God has every step of my life planned out for me. This analogy of God handing you a box of crayons and some paper is beautiful! I've always been the kid who colored... anything and everything. In fact I got in a lot of trouble with a box of crayons once, but that was the beginning of me growing up to be artsy fartsy. Hand me a box of crayons and it's inevitable that I will draw. I can't help myself. 

So why is it that when God hands me a box of crayons and tells me to draw out of my life, I can't? When has a blank piece of paper every intimidated me? NEVER... until now. God has given me the tools to make this great picture called the life of Kimberley Renee Patton and I get scared. Afraid to make a mistake that I can't erase (crayon is hard to erase). In art I've always been told not to be scared to make a bad mark... don't see it as an error, but use it. 

God isn't going to draw the picture for me while I stare dumbfounded. This not a dot-to-dot type of drawing or paint by numbers. Again, you must use what God has given you and get to work. God entrusts us to make something of ourselves. He gives us potential, not a mapped out plan of every single second of every day. Like Miller said, "I don't think God is a control freak." 

It's your story... a story called life.

"My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. " - Donald Miller

Donald Miller by far is one of my favorite authors. If you haven't heard of him, he wrote Blue Like Jazz. He has this quirky, dry sense of humor that really gets to you. I love it! He's just real. He's not this feel good, self-help Christian author. 

Anyways...

He's so right. We get one story. One story alone. My views on God have changed a little. God is there and knows all, but I don't think He controls every step I make. I have  free will, therefore I get to make my own decisions. As humans, we're not God's little pawns and we just act out what He wants of us. If that were the case, then would there be suicide, abortion, war, poverty... etc? I highly doubt, no, I know God doesn't want any of that for us, so why would He ever plan that for us? He has given us this story where He allows us to venture out, live, learn, love, hurt, grow, make mistakes, and come to Him on our own terms. God does not force us to do anything. 

Right now, I would say my story isn't quite exciting... I could say boring, but it's not too boring because I've had a lot of soap opera moments this year. More like it just hasn't gone like I expected or hoped for. I ask God every day is this really it? God and I have this relationship right now where I just duke it out with Him all the time! It may sound bad to some, but this is how I engage and experience God. It's real and it's not cookie cutter or picture perfect... it's actually really hard. 

We all come out of college wanting to make something of ourselves, and then we get out there and learn it's not easy. Life will get you down. You question yourself and wonder who you really are. Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in this huge ocean and I battle the tide... and instead of making progress... it's more like I'm just stuck treading water... or drowning sometimes (just depends what I've been thrown at the moment). And then the fear kicks in and I just want to give up and beg for a floaty because that would make it so much easier. Well who really wants to float through life? That's boring. So now I have to tell myself constantly, "STOP PLAYING IT SAFE! GET OUT! LEAVE! EXPERIENCE SOMETHING!" 

Life is about changing. Change is inevitable... and it's not always easy or pretty. You have to grow up! You can only deny it for so long, but eventually it all catches up to you and life isn't all about partying and living it up with your friends. Yes, there is always a time and place for that, but eventually your story becomes about making hard decisions and asking yourself what you really want in this life. So what is the setting? Who are the characters and what are their roles? And of course you want to be the protagonist of your own story, but sometimes I know I feel like the antagonist just because I can be my own worst enemy. God takes you to certain places, throws some unexpected things at you, and brings particular people into your life for a reason, but it's up to you to decide what you do with what He has handed to you. You can't just wait around on your butt saying, "Ok God... make my story great!" You have to get up and make good use of that free will He gave you because He knows you have potential for an amazing story. 

So here's to making a great story, one full of change, heartache, disappointment, laughter, tears, success, and failure. And there will be times when you have to go back and edit your story... but in a way where you put your pride aside and make amends where they are needed. Be careful what bridges your burn or who you hurt along the way, because regret is not something you want to feel. I rather be the one hurt than ever hurt another and not make it right because heartache eventually fades, but regret will stay with you forever and sometimes you don't get a second chance to apologize. You don't want to write someone out of your story and then later go back and realize you made a huge mistake. 

As scared as I may be, I'm ready to make my story good, one worth telling. And it would be nice for my story to be a part of someone else's story because I know mine isn't just about me, but it's also about the people who have touched my heart and changed my life. This growing up and being an adult is scary! I've only had a year of it, but it's been one heck of a year! But you know what, I fully embrace all that comes my way. Even the heartache, I take it. Within me lies so much more, so I will not let fear, past hurts, or insecurities stand in my way. There is a beauty in finding yourself, losing yourself, and truly being refined. 

Arkansas... really?

I miss Arkansas... a lot! I miss the beauty, the simplicity, the smells, the way of life there. Dallas has always been home and it's supposed to be what feels right, but I left my heart in Arkansas. The one place I was so ready to get out of because I didn't think it held anything for me, has now become the place I see as hope, change, a future. 

The mere thought of leaving this place is terrifying, yet thrilling!!!! I'm not a big risk taker unless I know I won't fall on my face too bad, but this time I'm ready to leap into the unknown. I've been having a lot of deep, adult conversations with people that I trust lately and I'm learning that it's about time I act my age. You only live once, so make your mistakes while you can because it's a lot easier to find yourself now, then to lose yourself completely later on because you never took the chance to discover who you really are. 

I'm ready to get out on my own with some good friends. Time to learn to be an adult without someone telling you how to do it. People want to protect me from making mistakes, which I understand, but at the same time I have to make some mistakes for myself. I'm going to have to learn and grow and that requires mistakes. And hey, if you can have some best girl friends by your side, it makes the journey even more hell of a ride. It would be nice to stand on my own two feet and not live with the rents anymore. And Dallas is just not where I belong right now. 

Girls my age are wanting to get married and are planning their futures with Mr. Right. Me... not so much. Yes, that would probably be the ideal... or so I've been told or influenced to believe, but I've always been a little different. Falling in love would be great, but getting married not really a feasible option for me. I'm still trying to find myself. I'm not the same girl I was in college. Everything I wanted then has drastically changed. Like the saying goes, you have to learn to walk before you can run. So here's to being able to walk confidently as an independent person who wants to experience life for myself. I can guarantee I will stumble, but I will stumble with flare! And really, I think everyone needs some time to be young, take responsibility for themselves, work hard, and still have fun with friends. 

So now to find a job in Little Rock. God has slammed shut a lot of doors on me lately, so He's bound to open one eventually. 

Self Discovery...

Ok, so (un)fortunately in the past year I've been forced to face myself and learn who I really am and who I want to be.  I know... scary! It's been terrifying and freeing at the same time. I think it's really hard sometimes to look in the mirror and face your own reflection. I was pretty much thrust into this world of being uncomfortable and independent. I still have my safety blanket, aka my family, whenever I need it. But ultimately, I have basically had to lose myself to find myself. Make sense? I'm sure most people in their 20's have had to do this. I got out of the bubble, questioned some things, questioned myself, and here I am with my eyes wide open, standing face to face with what we all call LIFE. So here's some of the things I've learned:

1. It's ok to be scared.

2. It's more than ok to make mistakes... you have to learn some things the hard way. 

3. Love by far is the scariest thing ever, but it's worth it if you can look beyond yourself, the right now, and just let your heart connect with something real. 

4. I can be alone with myself.

5. It's not ok to wear a fake smile and pretend like you're ok when you're not.

6. Sometimes I get mad at God and I don't feel guilty about it. 

7. I cry... and I'm not ashamed of it and for the first time ever, I know it doesn't mean I'm weak.

8. I get angry, but I can and will control it. I will never let it get the best of me ever again.

9. I will and always see puppies as my weakness.

10. I'm terrified that I love too much... and when I do, I hold back and I hate it.

11. You can only run so far... physically and metaphorically.

12. It's better to say what you need to say and people get mad than getting mad at yourself for not saying it.

13. I'm scared I will be stuck here.

14. Second chances are not foolish, sometimes you need them because you learn from your mistakes and it's nice to always try again.

15. The things that scare the hell out of you are usually the most worthwhile.

16. Everyone has a reason for the way they are, so don't judge. Everyone around you has been broken and is hurting in some way, even if they don't show it.

17. Forgiveness is more than just a choice, it's an act of love and shows your true character. It's hard to forgive others, but the hardest person to forgive is yourself. 

18. No one can define you and labels are for people who want to be defined... I refuse to be defined.

19. Even if it's hard, keep your heart open. Don't be scared to let someone in. 

20. Simplicity is beautiful and artistic... 2 things that are way deeper than just the visual.

21. Love is the essence of my being... it's who I am, it's what I want to live for. God called me to love with all my heart, and when it is right, I will do so. 

22. Life is hard and it will tear you down... you jut have to cling to hope and even when you want to let go, just keep hanging on because hope is what will get you through. 

23. I am me and that's all I can ever be. I'm still finding myself, but at least I am comfortable in my own skin and I don't have to hide behind anything or anyone. 

24. Some people change you, inspire you, love you, and if you're really lucky, leave impressions on your heart that cannot and will not fade in time. I would like to be that person to someone.

25. Some things really are meant to be (cliche, I know)... even if you don't believe it right away. I'm definitely one to doubt this theory a lot!  But really you never know. 

The 20's

Ok... I've been out of school for a year and the real world is definitely not what I thought it was all cracked up to be. Last year at this time I was freaking out about graduation and what I really wanted to do with my life. Well... I assumed that everything would fall into place, and from the looks of it, it all did. Yeah, things fell into place, but not really the places I wanted things to fall.

My boss told me yesterday that your 20's are when you have the time of your life, but it's the time when you have to make some of the most difficult decisions that ultimately determine the years to come. So what??? Am I really responsible enough to do this? What if I'm wrong, what if I make a mistake, what if I'm thinking waaay too much about all this and I overanalyze to the point of second guessing myself? Exactly!!!! So how do you know if you're right or wrong? Well, it basically comes down to looking inside yourself and asking what is truly important.

I'm a very logical and rational person, but sometimes that's just not sensible. I can over-think things and worry so much that I forget to follow my heart. I've done the logical thing in the past because I was scared of listening to my heart. I walked... no, I ran from what my heart really wanted because I was terrified. Actually, it turned out to be the most illogical thing I've ever done in my life. My head told me it would be too hard and too scary, so my heart broke and I broke someone else's heart too. I let my pride and my fears get the best of me.

And now... I've spent the past 4 months trying to figure out what it is that I truly want and need in life. It comes down to 3 thing: 1. Family, 2. Career, 3. Love. I can pretty much have a career anywhere with what I do. I'm not bound to anyplace, so as long as I continue to work hard, I can pretty much be successful wherever when it comes to my career. Family... well my family is all in one place. I love them with all my heart and I know they will always be my support system. And that means it doesn't matter where I go or what I do, they will always be there for me. And then there is love. This is the hardest one of all and I've realized it's by far the most important. I have had the career and I am with my family, but I've lived without the love part for awhile and it's been kinda difficult. So it all comes down to the fact that I cannot live without love.

Love is a huge risk! It's all about taking chances. I'm not very good at taking chances. I'm not very good at expressing how I feel either. I get tongue-tied and I get scared. But I know this... the heart wants what it wants and if you don't at least try and take a chance, it makes it 1,000 times harder to ever move forward. I rather fall on my face by taking a chance and opening my heart than just keeping all my feelings locked inside because I'm terrified of the risk or the rejection. I've learned that love doesn't come around every day. Love just isn't a feeling, it's more than that. It's everything.

Where my thoughts collide...

I've always loved to write what I think. I highly doubt anyone will actually read my blog, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm not blogging with the intent to gain readers, this is just a place for me to write down my thoughts and send them out into the universe. It's almost therapeutic just throwing out what you think and not having to worry about what anyone will say.

So here's to my first blog! I will write about what I know, who I am, what I see, what I love, and just the beauty and journey of life. Love, pain, art, music, people... everything that inspires me.